i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
