Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I want her autograph on my taint
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
