No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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