at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
