Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
