Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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