Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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