You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He shit in the fireplace
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
