He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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