im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
