I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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