I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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