Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize