Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
