there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
