He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They have beer where we have blood.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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