i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
