If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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