I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
