i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
