do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
