went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
