I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize