I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
