She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
