I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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