Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
