Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
