I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my shit smells like andre
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
