theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
