i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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