Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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