Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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