I think im going to throw up on grandma
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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