we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
