If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
