3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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