you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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