I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
