Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
