I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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