if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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