i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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