that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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