I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
