I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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