420 ftw
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
