My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
