I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
