i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
