These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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