I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize