I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
