Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
