I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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