Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
