I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
