I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
