i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Vodka?
Forever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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