she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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